Someone was named Miss California State 2003. Because the $15 ticket did not include a program memorializing all the entrants' names I'm not exactly sure who it was. But it was not the beautiful and talented Miss Yuba-Sutter Candee Louise Jensen, so what does it matter, anyway?

I might have tried to find out who the winner was, but -- what with the enforced displays of commercial patriotism; the repeated references to God and God's divine role in government administration; some contestants slyly mentioning to the saintly judges how they felt "blessed" and how they wanted to use the performing arts to save souls -- well, I kind of lost interest.

Besides, the poised and genuine Candee Jensen -- singer extraordinaire, dancer sublime, choreopgrapher non pareil -- placed first runner-up, which was disappointment enough to distract even the most devout of us.

The Miss California State is not to be confused with the Miss California beauty pageant. It involves young women and men who have been crowned "miss" or "ambassador" of their respective county fair, town fruit festival, or whatever. The titles of queen and king have fallen out of favor.

The contest also seems to be limited in scope to Northern California, with the contestants at this event held Thursday and Friday a t Yuba Community College coming from no farther away than Santa Clara and Red Bluff.

The whole thing had an eerily theocratic flavor reminiscent of the evangelists' blatantly fundamentalist non-sectarian-yet-oh-so-sectarian "Up, Up with People" road shows of yesteryear. In fact, if my ears did not deceive me, one of the judges was a former member of Up with People.

In any case, theocracy of the "dynamic Christian businessman" variety permeated the program, with strategically placed commercial mentions linking faith, patriotism and the wares of local merchants who had donated cash or kind to the event.

By the way, I recall Sister Mary Phillipa admonishing us fifth-graders: "Never let the left hand know what the right is doing. True charity is given anonymously without thought of reward." In other words, that $100 gift is not a donation if you expect a "free" advertisement for it.

But I digress.

The program announcer sounded like a prison guard. The emcee wrote and sang a song about God, Country and Duty that appeared to be sufficiently altered to prevent the Boy Scouts of American for suing for plagiarism.

Then there was the audience, with enthusiastic claques squealing and woofing with the same style, verve and volume of drunks at a Hooters sports bar.

Now, I'm not saying the contest was rigged,or anything, but when they brought the contestants back for the final results, awards and crownings two things struck me as suspicious.

While the event "accountant" was still toting up the judge's votes -- "May I have the envelope, please!" "Not yet, not yet! -- the contestants filed in and lined up on a tiered platform.

I would like to point out that:

 all the women contestants wore the same gowns they had in an earlier appearance, except one

 the one wearing a new gown was positioned in dead center stage.

 all the contestants, men and women, happened to be standing in the exact order of the "surprise" sub-awards they received -- Miss Communications, etc.

 the one crowned Miss California State just happened to be the one in the fresh gown sanding in center stage.

But why carp? Everyone was nice. God was frequently invoked, right down to a thinly disguised Christian prayer embedded in the closing remarks by the announcer.

Attorney General John Ashcroft would have heartily endorsed it -- so what's to complain about?